Boy I tell you what...

So you know how the Texas state motto is: "Don't Mess With Texas" right?

Well they fucking mean it.

Okay, so it's mostly a symbolic gesture of respect but there's always that nagging doubt that somehow Mr. Norris has accumulated so much word-of-mouth renown that he has gained superhuman powers through the sheer force of collective human belief. In other words it's a mind over matter sort of thing where the general populace of the planet Earth contributes to Chuck's physical abilities by way of psychic consensus.

Or some other pseudo-science explanation. Actually I'm pretty sure that what I just explained was an episode of Star Trek. Or at least it should have been.

So currently I'm employed as a Master of the Custodial Arts (or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it). But that won't last for long. I've already got a career-style job lined up and, while I'm not going to tell those of you who don't already know, it's a pretty awesome one. Suffice to say, my PT starts up next month and will involve me running around and doing push-ups in both the frigid cold and the blistering rain. Then they'll probably have me visit the Hyperbolic Time Chamber or something. Personally I've got my fingers crossed for a sweet montage.

Speaking of cool things to watch how about this amazing bit of machinima?

I just get a good tingly feeling when I watch that... Or perhaps that's just my spider-sense.

Since it is getting to be about that time I want to wish everyone a Happy Festivus! Go out and drink some eggnog, sing along to Adam Sandler's Chaunkah (or Haunkkah) Song, and have sex with someone in a Santa or elf costume! I'll be wrapping presents.

Just plain angry

I'm not a fan of television anymore.

It seems for every brilliantly written show or cartoon there's some piece of crap out there lurking in prime time and hoping to destroy everything about the art of the moving picture we hold dear.

Most of them are 'reality' shows.

Now obviously these shows are scripted and then edited way down in order to make anything resembling action and drama occur, but the sheer amount of these shows that pour out of basic and cable stations is overwhelming. Now I could list some examples of these but I figure you probably know of a few examples of your own.

I used to wish they'd bring back the physical-based game shows I grew up with, but the best they could manage to come up with is an MXC knockoff called Wipeout. I mean come on guys! I don't want to see some fat little kids bump into a foam cut-out and be knocked about six inches backwards into a shallow pool! I want to see some fat little kid get tangled in a rope net, dangle precariously over a flimsy metal pole, and drop about eight feet into a freezing (and possibly infrequently cleaned) pool of water like in Legends of the Hidden Temple (I really shouldn't need to link that)!

Basically what I'm saying TV execs, is that if people are not straining themselves to their peak mental and physical capabilities then I want to see children hurt themselves for crappy prizes and self glorification. If you can't make that happen then I'm going back to my completely fictional shows. They're shot better anyway.

I'm also angry about politics come to think of it. There are way too many reasons for that, but the major one is that we need taxes to be raised to offset the deficit. Now raising them across the board would be a huge dick move considering the financial recession that we're still in, but if we raised them for the top earners... Say... The people making $250,000 or more a year I figure it might make a difference.

And don't bring up 'trickle-down' economics. That shit doesn't work. The argument that the rich will just take their money elsewhere or lie to undercut the $250,000 earning limit? That's why we have federal regulatory committees or, better yet, the FBI. Let's focus a little bit more on domestic terrorism guys. That includes fear mongers in political parties who make up all sorts of bullshit while they try to cover their own ass. Personally? That makes me scared.

And if I'm scared then the terrorists have already won. Maybe.

Although I'm guessing most terrorists care less about our country living in a state of fear (we manage that just fine on our own thanks) and more about killing us for religious, socio-economic, and/or patriotic reasons.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but even if foreign dependence on oil isn't the main cause of our continued involvement in the Middle East it sure as hell isn't helping us get out of there.

SCIENCE!

Some days I just feel a lot more intellectual than others. I may suddenly have an interest in particle physics, develop a new appreciation for forensic pathology, or I just start to wonder why the sky is so damn blue.

Well today I stumbled upon this.

Thanks science! Now Jurassic Park is ruined FOREVER. Geez science, as if taking away Pluto's planetary status wasn't enough.

On the down low I have the secret belief that there are some scientists out there that just like to fuck with everyone not in their field of study. I'm guessing it's a passive aggressive way to make up for all those wedgies suffered in their developing years.

Why else would they attempt to destroy us all just to see what's inside a quark?

Oh, way to disprove God as being necessary for the development of the universe and life as we know it Stephen Hawking! Some of us were looking forward to going to heaven! Now what's going to keep me from living in debauchery and sin if organized religion isn't there to guilt-trip me? Common sense and the laws of man? As if.

So on a completely unrelated note, who's been watching The Walking Dead? I was sort of worried it'd just be a direct adaptation of the comic series (of which I've read) but early into episode 2 I saw a lot of creative liberties taken and I'm glad they took them! Not that the comic series has any faults, but I didn't need to see something I've already read. The best part of the TV series taking a new direction from the comic series? Now I can't post up spoilers because events may be extremely different!

So I'm excited about Sundays again. You know, what with religion being confirmed false by science and me not being a huge football fan at least there's one thing I can look forward to. And to think I drank all that wine (grape juice at my church) and ate all that bread for nothing! NOTHING! But we'll always have the holiday songs I guess...

Oh, P.S. There's a stomach flu going around so wash your hands and don't share your drinks. Just letting you know. Helping a brother out.

Book 'em Dano

Just recently got certified to be an armed guard. It was kind of strange being in a classroom setting again but, as per usual, I aced the class and all of it's extremely boring instructional videos made back in the early 90s. People had leg warmers on.

And I'm not just talking about the women.

So apparently the NRA has a cartoon mascot and I haven't been able to decide if I find that knowledge hilarious or not. On one hand it makes complete sense as a way to introduce your children to the dangers of weapons if you're going to keep one in the house. On the other hand I had to sit through a video obviously made for elementary school students where a cartoon eagle voiced by (and I cannot confirm this, but it totally sounded like him) the guy that did Leonardo's voice in the original Ninja Turtles cartoon flies into people's homes whenever kids find a weapon that some jackass parent just left lying around.

Here's an idea, instead of just telling the kids to find an adult you could make some money on the side by informing them about all the fancy gun safety equipment their parents should have. Or you could go find Child Protective Services.

Or you could ask if they have any fish or voles. I mean, you know, eagle food. I assume keeping kids away from firearms doesn't leave one with much time to do bird of prey activities.

Speaking of firearms I'm apparently kind of badass when it comes to using them. Having never fired a pistol or shotgun in my life I managed to pass the range tests just fine. Hell, my grouping wasn't even that terrible. I don't think I'm ready for Top Shot, but hey, who knows?

Guess all those violent video games and movies weren't so bad for me after all.

On a more title related note I have never seen the original Hawaii Five-0, but the new one? Holy crap.

I have no idea how it works legally, but I want the kind of jurisdictional freedom those guys have. Of course, living in an action-style show universe where I can never die or get seriously injured would be kind of cool too. ...only then I guess I'd rather be a Power Ranger even I did get some sort of weird alien lizard dog as a boss.

ROAD TRIP!

Kind of a short trip when compared to my previous ones, but I'm heading up to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity. I'm kind of psyched to actually be road tripping with other people in the car this time around rather than doing a long haul by myself.

Things get weird when you're on the road by yourself.

I've had to make multiple 12 hour trips by my lonesome before and I've figured out a few ways to keep yourself entertained on the way. I'd advise not trying any of these in heavy traffic.

Number 1: Music Video. Think up a music video to songs on whatever CD you have in. I've got this awesome idea for a Cage the Elephant song I want to do it. I'll go into detail on it in some other post one day.
Number 2: Radio Roulette. In half-a-day of driving you tend to travel through a few states so trying to find a decent classic rock/alternative station becomes almost a battle of wills. A testament, if you will, to a genre that lacks the distinctive punch it once had. Also I don't like country, christian music, or gangsta rap of which there are crap-tons of stations playing only that down here in the South. Hilariously enough South Carolina seems to have less country music stations than North Carolina. Go figure.
Number 3: The Foreign Guy. Use a funny accent when you stop for gas and food. I prefer a British accent myself as everyone in the South loves a polite chap from the UK. Broken English can be fun too. If you look ethnic then I advise using an accent that people don't expect (for example if you're Asian, try using a Scottish accent). Good times.
Number 4: Masturbate. Yes it's definitely illegal to do on the open road (you're in public you sick bastard!) and you really shouldn't be doing something so distracting while driving anyway. But haven't you always wondered if you could pull it off (no pun intended)? Obviously this is much easier for men to accomplish.
Number 5: Air band. Crack up some Dio or AC/DC and pull out your best rock band moves. There's the steering wheel drum kit, the classic air guitar (or bass), the keyboard solo, the head bang, throwing the horns up, and the Gene Simmons tongue/scream for you KISS fans. If you want a bit of extra challenge, try the stage dive, the power chord, and the crowd surf. Should you be successful the glory is worth the risk. Should you be unsuccessful I hope you have good insurance. (Warning: Do NOT use the foot pedals on your steering wheel drum kit.)
Number 6: The Chase. Find someone's car and chase them. This is more fun if they're speeding and you're a cop.

Road trip pro tip: Go number two before you leave. The toilet whenever you are (home, friend's place, hotel) is guaranteed to be cleaner than whatever hellhole rest stop you manage to find. In cases of emergency try to find a nice hotel (the kind with interior rooms rather than than creepy super-balcony kind) and use their rest rooms. Sometimes you can even get some free snacks while you're there (provided it's breakfast time).

Back to the rally though, I made this but didn't develop it into sign form:

And I'll leave you with some of his quotes:


"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
          - Groucho Marx

Fucking classy.

It's a nice day for a...

I've been to two weddings in the past two weeks. I honestly can't say which one I liked better.

I mean, they both had open bars and no one to really hit on so I guess that makes them about even. However I have come up with an list of pros!

Wedding 1 pros: I know more people, busted out with my sweet break dance skillz (with a z), the cake is this carrot/pumpkin/walnut thing and it's great.

Wedding 2 pros: I hang out with an old buddy of mine and get to hear about his life, the food and ceremony are classy and much better than in wedding 1 (this includes the quality of the open bar), I duck out early before the awkward father-daughter song.

So, both have their upsides but neither of them will hold a candle to my best friend's ceremony next spring, which reminds me that I need to go get some measurements made. I'll be a groomsman for the wedding party. And it's going to be one hell of a party. Also, bridesmaids. Judging from how hot his fiancee is? She's got to have some smoking hot friends (and probably one token fat one, but I'm pushing one of my fellow groomsmen on the grenade).

So what's been up with me? I'm supposed to go check out Paranormal Activity 2 this week even though I've never seen the original. To be honest I just don't really go for horror movies unless they involve alien monsters or zombies. If your movie monster is a soaked little girl that screeches a lot and crawls on the ceiling then yeah, I'm creeped out for a bit, but come on... I could totally take that ghost girl out with a swift kick to the face. I'm tall. I wouldn't even have to lift my leg that high. Now an acid bleeding swarm of intelligent nearly-silent alien monsters?

Shit has officially gotten real.

Heck, even something as ridiculous as a half-shark, half-octopus is more threatening than Little Orphan Drowned Annie. I just wish they'd take the monster movie formula back to the drawing board. Movie monsters work the best when they aren't seen for a while (like in Alien or Tremors) as they murder the crap out of people. Then when you do see them you don't get some piece of crap reveal like Cloverfield, you get something that makes you jump but isn't necessarily a pop-out-of-the-closet moment. Signs actually did this pretty well. It's too bad it doesn't make up for the rest of the movie (spoiler: water is their secret weakness, because all aliens are apparently the fucking Wicked Witch of the West).

Let's see, what else did I want to talk about?

I think I got my movie/tv talk for the day out so I won't go on length about all that right now.

Oh yeah, I'm trying this workout thing so if you find a guy that's in decent shape passed out in a field in the middle of your neighborhood it'd be cool if you'd give me some water or something. Also thanks for reading and I'm sorry about all the swearing. I write in stream of consciousness mostly and don't really edit myself so... Yeah.

On a side note, I don't think I'm afraid of spiders anymore. Big ones still freak me out, but anything wolf spider size or smaller (not really necessary to link to the spiders, but what the hell right?) doesn't freak me out. Sometimes I won't even kill them unless they're in my car or house. Probably wouldn't kill a tarantula, but that's mostly because of the mess. Heck, sometimes I'm too lazy to find a tissue and if that spider is on a big enough surface?

I punch that motherfucker. That's just how I roll.

First!

You ever have days where you wake up and you realize that you'd rather just go back to sleep because the real world just makes you feel like crying?

Wow that's depressing. You should probably talk to someone about that.

Now my life? I'd like to say it's radically awesome; that every day is jam-packed with non stop crazy parties, sweet parkour tricks, and so many high fives that I can barely close a fist due to all the callouses. Unfortunately that's not quite the case. Want me to run you through my typical day?

I usually wake up at the crack of noon and mope about. I check comics on-line, turn on my cell, avoid learning things about politics (I used to check news sites, but I think I'm depressed enough without all the bullshit commentary, "experts" on the subject, and general ignorance of the people that discuss things on those forums), and I check my e-mail in the hopes that someone will have received my resume and offer to pay me to smile, run bar codes across a scanner, and push buttons. I have a distinct feeling I may already be overqualified, but I believe my polite demeanor and friendly customer interaction is what pushes me over the top.

Maybe it's the high five callouses.

Where was I? Right, so somewhere between 1 and 2 I manage to make myself presentable and get out of my house (technically not my house) to go bug whomever I've filled out an application for already. They usually don't look happy to see me, but they fake enthusiasm. I feel this is fair, as they're only mirroring what I'm doing. I had this one lady at a seasonal story promise me a job a couple hundred times. It'll never happen. I know it'll never happen. I just go in there to make her feel guilty. I'll probably continue doing it even when I do get a job. I've been thinking about utilizing hand props and makeup to make myself look more pathetic each time I go in. Maybe some eye drops for tears or something.

Holy crap, I should totally borrow someone's kid (or kids), bring them into the store, and tell them: "This is where daddy is going to work soon!" all excited and stuff.

That's not just tragic, that's Lifetime movie-of-the-week tragic. Damn.

So besides creative harassment, I also apply to jobs I'd love to have but may or may not be qualified for. Like Special Projects Industrial Bio-Chemist III. Now I have no earthly idea what the hell that job entails since the details were totally TL;DR but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with making zombie monsters. How awesome would that be until they broke out and tried to devour you? Even then you might get some end-of-the-world sex with the hot intern and you know an evil zombie-making corporation is some to have some fine ass interns.

At night I play Furcadia on occassion.

I know. I'm a little sad too. Just when you thought I was kind of cool now you find out I'm somewhere between freaky-deeky sexual deviant and super nerd. Because if there's one thing worse than an MMORPG nerd it's a text-based MMORPG nerd.

I always thought of it like an acting exercise myself. You make a character, give them a personality, put them into a fantastical setting, and let the plot work itself out during interactions with other unique individuals. Unfortunately most of these unique individuals happen to be epic geared half-demon super vampire wolf trans gender... Look, you kind of just had to be there for that one. It was fucking weird.

Actually that sort of sums up the whole thing for you right there. Fucking weird. It's somewhere in between a Montel Williams show and soap opera for drama (both in character and fo' realz) with your occasional bouts of anime/bad action movie-inspired physics defying fights scenes. If you want to make the argument that physics doesn't really have much of a place in fantasy combat, much less fantasy combat amongst a bunch of scantily-clad (because they are all scantily-clad) cat girls and wolf guys with wings that shoot fireballs then I will tell you to go fuck yourself, because I am not sitting through that bullshit conversation again. Don't even get me started on shadow magic. Just don't.

...what the hell is wrong with me?