ROAD TRIP!

Kind of a short trip when compared to my previous ones, but I'm heading up to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity. I'm kind of psyched to actually be road tripping with other people in the car this time around rather than doing a long haul by myself.

Things get weird when you're on the road by yourself.

I've had to make multiple 12 hour trips by my lonesome before and I've figured out a few ways to keep yourself entertained on the way. I'd advise not trying any of these in heavy traffic.

Number 1: Music Video. Think up a music video to songs on whatever CD you have in. I've got this awesome idea for a Cage the Elephant song I want to do it. I'll go into detail on it in some other post one day.
Number 2: Radio Roulette. In half-a-day of driving you tend to travel through a few states so trying to find a decent classic rock/alternative station becomes almost a battle of wills. A testament, if you will, to a genre that lacks the distinctive punch it once had. Also I don't like country, christian music, or gangsta rap of which there are crap-tons of stations playing only that down here in the South. Hilariously enough South Carolina seems to have less country music stations than North Carolina. Go figure.
Number 3: The Foreign Guy. Use a funny accent when you stop for gas and food. I prefer a British accent myself as everyone in the South loves a polite chap from the UK. Broken English can be fun too. If you look ethnic then I advise using an accent that people don't expect (for example if you're Asian, try using a Scottish accent). Good times.
Number 4: Masturbate. Yes it's definitely illegal to do on the open road (you're in public you sick bastard!) and you really shouldn't be doing something so distracting while driving anyway. But haven't you always wondered if you could pull it off (no pun intended)? Obviously this is much easier for men to accomplish.
Number 5: Air band. Crack up some Dio or AC/DC and pull out your best rock band moves. There's the steering wheel drum kit, the classic air guitar (or bass), the keyboard solo, the head bang, throwing the horns up, and the Gene Simmons tongue/scream for you KISS fans. If you want a bit of extra challenge, try the stage dive, the power chord, and the crowd surf. Should you be successful the glory is worth the risk. Should you be unsuccessful I hope you have good insurance. (Warning: Do NOT use the foot pedals on your steering wheel drum kit.)
Number 6: The Chase. Find someone's car and chase them. This is more fun if they're speeding and you're a cop.

Road trip pro tip: Go number two before you leave. The toilet whenever you are (home, friend's place, hotel) is guaranteed to be cleaner than whatever hellhole rest stop you manage to find. In cases of emergency try to find a nice hotel (the kind with interior rooms rather than than creepy super-balcony kind) and use their rest rooms. Sometimes you can even get some free snacks while you're there (provided it's breakfast time).

Back to the rally though, I made this but didn't develop it into sign form:

And I'll leave you with some of his quotes:


"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
          - Groucho Marx

Fucking classy.

It's a nice day for a...

I've been to two weddings in the past two weeks. I honestly can't say which one I liked better.

I mean, they both had open bars and no one to really hit on so I guess that makes them about even. However I have come up with an list of pros!

Wedding 1 pros: I know more people, busted out with my sweet break dance skillz (with a z), the cake is this carrot/pumpkin/walnut thing and it's great.

Wedding 2 pros: I hang out with an old buddy of mine and get to hear about his life, the food and ceremony are classy and much better than in wedding 1 (this includes the quality of the open bar), I duck out early before the awkward father-daughter song.

So, both have their upsides but neither of them will hold a candle to my best friend's ceremony next spring, which reminds me that I need to go get some measurements made. I'll be a groomsman for the wedding party. And it's going to be one hell of a party. Also, bridesmaids. Judging from how hot his fiancee is? She's got to have some smoking hot friends (and probably one token fat one, but I'm pushing one of my fellow groomsmen on the grenade).

So what's been up with me? I'm supposed to go check out Paranormal Activity 2 this week even though I've never seen the original. To be honest I just don't really go for horror movies unless they involve alien monsters or zombies. If your movie monster is a soaked little girl that screeches a lot and crawls on the ceiling then yeah, I'm creeped out for a bit, but come on... I could totally take that ghost girl out with a swift kick to the face. I'm tall. I wouldn't even have to lift my leg that high. Now an acid bleeding swarm of intelligent nearly-silent alien monsters?

Shit has officially gotten real.

Heck, even something as ridiculous as a half-shark, half-octopus is more threatening than Little Orphan Drowned Annie. I just wish they'd take the monster movie formula back to the drawing board. Movie monsters work the best when they aren't seen for a while (like in Alien or Tremors) as they murder the crap out of people. Then when you do see them you don't get some piece of crap reveal like Cloverfield, you get something that makes you jump but isn't necessarily a pop-out-of-the-closet moment. Signs actually did this pretty well. It's too bad it doesn't make up for the rest of the movie (spoiler: water is their secret weakness, because all aliens are apparently the fucking Wicked Witch of the West).

Let's see, what else did I want to talk about?

I think I got my movie/tv talk for the day out so I won't go on length about all that right now.

Oh yeah, I'm trying this workout thing so if you find a guy that's in decent shape passed out in a field in the middle of your neighborhood it'd be cool if you'd give me some water or something. Also thanks for reading and I'm sorry about all the swearing. I write in stream of consciousness mostly and don't really edit myself so... Yeah.

On a side note, I don't think I'm afraid of spiders anymore. Big ones still freak me out, but anything wolf spider size or smaller (not really necessary to link to the spiders, but what the hell right?) doesn't freak me out. Sometimes I won't even kill them unless they're in my car or house. Probably wouldn't kill a tarantula, but that's mostly because of the mess. Heck, sometimes I'm too lazy to find a tissue and if that spider is on a big enough surface?

I punch that motherfucker. That's just how I roll.

First!

You ever have days where you wake up and you realize that you'd rather just go back to sleep because the real world just makes you feel like crying?

Wow that's depressing. You should probably talk to someone about that.

Now my life? I'd like to say it's radically awesome; that every day is jam-packed with non stop crazy parties, sweet parkour tricks, and so many high fives that I can barely close a fist due to all the callouses. Unfortunately that's not quite the case. Want me to run you through my typical day?

I usually wake up at the crack of noon and mope about. I check comics on-line, turn on my cell, avoid learning things about politics (I used to check news sites, but I think I'm depressed enough without all the bullshit commentary, "experts" on the subject, and general ignorance of the people that discuss things on those forums), and I check my e-mail in the hopes that someone will have received my resume and offer to pay me to smile, run bar codes across a scanner, and push buttons. I have a distinct feeling I may already be overqualified, but I believe my polite demeanor and friendly customer interaction is what pushes me over the top.

Maybe it's the high five callouses.

Where was I? Right, so somewhere between 1 and 2 I manage to make myself presentable and get out of my house (technically not my house) to go bug whomever I've filled out an application for already. They usually don't look happy to see me, but they fake enthusiasm. I feel this is fair, as they're only mirroring what I'm doing. I had this one lady at a seasonal story promise me a job a couple hundred times. It'll never happen. I know it'll never happen. I just go in there to make her feel guilty. I'll probably continue doing it even when I do get a job. I've been thinking about utilizing hand props and makeup to make myself look more pathetic each time I go in. Maybe some eye drops for tears or something.

Holy crap, I should totally borrow someone's kid (or kids), bring them into the store, and tell them: "This is where daddy is going to work soon!" all excited and stuff.

That's not just tragic, that's Lifetime movie-of-the-week tragic. Damn.

So besides creative harassment, I also apply to jobs I'd love to have but may or may not be qualified for. Like Special Projects Industrial Bio-Chemist III. Now I have no earthly idea what the hell that job entails since the details were totally TL;DR but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with making zombie monsters. How awesome would that be until they broke out and tried to devour you? Even then you might get some end-of-the-world sex with the hot intern and you know an evil zombie-making corporation is some to have some fine ass interns.

At night I play Furcadia on occassion.

I know. I'm a little sad too. Just when you thought I was kind of cool now you find out I'm somewhere between freaky-deeky sexual deviant and super nerd. Because if there's one thing worse than an MMORPG nerd it's a text-based MMORPG nerd.

I always thought of it like an acting exercise myself. You make a character, give them a personality, put them into a fantastical setting, and let the plot work itself out during interactions with other unique individuals. Unfortunately most of these unique individuals happen to be epic geared half-demon super vampire wolf trans gender... Look, you kind of just had to be there for that one. It was fucking weird.

Actually that sort of sums up the whole thing for you right there. Fucking weird. It's somewhere in between a Montel Williams show and soap opera for drama (both in character and fo' realz) with your occasional bouts of anime/bad action movie-inspired physics defying fights scenes. If you want to make the argument that physics doesn't really have much of a place in fantasy combat, much less fantasy combat amongst a bunch of scantily-clad (because they are all scantily-clad) cat girls and wolf guys with wings that shoot fireballs then I will tell you to go fuck yourself, because I am not sitting through that bullshit conversation again. Don't even get me started on shadow magic. Just don't.

...what the hell is wrong with me?